ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
