1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
