your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I want her autograph on my taint
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
