I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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