break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
