I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
