you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
