why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
