two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
