sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
