I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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