fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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