You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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