Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
