It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
