Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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