dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
