Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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