I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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