Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
