I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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