i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
