At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
