I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
