A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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