You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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