i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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