Will you blow on my dice?
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
