Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
