Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
