Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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