Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
