matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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