Me too!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
