She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
