Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
