seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
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also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
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We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize