the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
