I skipped work to stalk him.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
fuck your aforementioned shoe
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
