Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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