Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
