Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I cut my penus on the lid.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
