I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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