Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
