dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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