I think I am morally bankrupt
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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