i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
