Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
