I accidentally had phone sex last night
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
