K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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