So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
