hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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