I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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