ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
