Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
