the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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