forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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