don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
