Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
