I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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